After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
Teaching ABC's of Pressure Situations
October 30, 2013
By Eric Martin
MSU Institute for the Study of Youth Sports
Coaches have seen the signs: Athletes having too much or not enough energy prior to a game, quickening breathing, sweating more than usual, being unable to focus on important details, and having their minds wander from the present to “what if” scenarios and past mistakes.
Athletes deal with pressure in many ways. Although some handle it well, many do not have the tools to perform to their full abilities in these situations. Most athletes place a high importance on succeeding in sport, and when athletes reach regional, district, or state championships, the pressure they feel may become overwhelming.
How athletes handle this increased pressure can often mean the difference between winning and losing. Therefore, helping athletes deal with it is something coaches should consider prior to athletes encountering these high-stakes situations.
Unfortunately, there is no magic elixir for helping your athletes work under pressure. But if these ABC’s of pressure situations are followed, your athletes will be much better equipped to cope, and the chances of their performance levels dropping significantly will be reduced.
1. Act the Part
How you as coaches act influences your athletes. For better or worse, athletes notice your emotions in response to these situations and take cues from how you handle pressure.
You are a demand on your players’ attention – you can add or reduce your players’ perceived stress by how you act. Understanding the demand you place on players requires self-awareness. How do you respond when a key call goes against you? Do you have nervous habits that athletes may notice? What messages are you providing to your athletes – both verbally and non-verbally? Athletes pick up on these non-verbal cues, so you must be aware of how you respond to these situations.
It is important to remember emotions are not always negative – rather acting differently than normal can be a signal to your athletes that you are stressed. Strive to be consistent in your actions – whether you are coaching during a preseason match or championship contest. These situations are stressful for you too, but you need to be the constant your athletes look to for stability.
2. Breathing – Remember to do it
It seems like a simple thing, but when athletes’ emotions are running high, they forget how to breathe – or, at least, forget how to breathe properly. Worse, they often think they are breathing normally but don’t notice breaths are becoming shorter and shallower. Teaching athletes to breathe properly when not in pressure situations will help them have the tools to rely on when they encounter more intense scenarios.
For proper breathing, athletes need to do so from the belly and not the chest. The pace of this breathing should be 6-2-7; that is, have athletes take a deep breath from the abdomen for six seconds, hold for two seconds, and then finally slowly exhale completely for seven seconds. This breathing strategy is ideal for pregame situations to quiet nerves and help athletes get ready to play, but a condensed version (3-2-3) can also be used for quick breaks in the action like a timeout or court change.
3. Control the controllables
During times of high pressure, athletes sometimes feel they do not have control over their own performances. It is important to help athletes focus on things they can control and not worry about those that cannot be changed or are outside their influence.
Instead of athletes dwelling on aspects that are out of their control like unusual game times for championship finals or a referee’s bad call, help them focus on completing their warm-up preparations and how they can respond to poor calls. Helping focus athletes’ attention on things they can control will help them better handle pressure situations and leave them feeling less helpless
Athletes’ emotions are typically out of their control, but how they view them and respond to these emotions are under their control. Author and preacher Charles R. Swindoll said, “Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it!” Be sure your athletes know how to respond when difficult situations arise.
Conclusion: Fearlessness is an assembly
Not all athletes react to pressure situations in the same manner, but all athletes can benefit from these simple suggestions. Remember to ACT THE PART of how you want your athletes to act, teach your athletes proper BREATHING techniques, and help athletes focus on CONTROLLING THE CONTROLLABLES.
Good preparation is the key to performance. Increase self-monitoring and give athletes the tools to succeed in pressure situations; they, in turn, can be in a better position to succeed. However, like any skills, they must be practiced accordingly, and one session will not solve all issues. Devote the time to train athletes in these skills, and when the need arises they will have them ready to use.
Good luck this season!
Martin is a third-year doctoral student in the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports at Michigan State University. His research interests include athlete motivation and development of passion in youth, sport specialization, and coaches’ perspectives on working with the millennial athlete. He has led many sessions of the MHSAA Captains Leadership Clinic and consulted with junior high, high school, and collegiate athletes. If you have questions or comments, contact him at [email protected].